Thoughts of a Jedi
by Lady Celebare
Summary: *CH 5 UP* Yes, it's another character diary fic! In this piece we discover how Obi-Wan Kenobi's mind works. Frightening? Perhaps. What could a sexy Jedi possibly think about...?
1. Lightsaber Madness

**Title: **Thoughts of a Jedi

**Rated: **PG… for now.

**Notes:** This was completely inspired by Fyrie's "The Chronicles of Lucius Malfoy", a totally hilarious parody of "Bridget Jones' Diary", so go read it!  I command thee!

**Premise: **If Obi-Wan Kenobi kept a diary, what would he write?  Random thoughts from everyone's favorite Jedi hunk!  This is set during Episode I (possibly with an Episode II sequal).

**More Notes on Dates: **I stink at dates, both real and imagined (O.o), so I'm just gonna guess on how they date things in the Star wars Universe.  Bad me!  I don't have a Star Wars chronology with me, so I have no way of getting the correct names for days, months, and so forth.  So, for this diary (until one of you lovely reviewers corrects me), dates will go as follows:  _SM_ means Standard Month, so SM 1 is the first month of the year.  BBY means Before the Battle of Yavin, and though I'm aware people pre-Yavin wouldn't know what this means, I like the term, so I'm using it.  Episode I is set 21 years BBY (Obi-Wan is 25 in Episode I and 51 in Episode IV.  You do the math), so the years in this diary are marked '21 BBY'  …Phew. 

Now, on to the actual diary!  Buahaha!

SM 1/12/26 BBY 

                Master Yoda has suggested that I keep a journal of my daily exploits, particularly those pertaining to the Force.  Hmph.  It's just like him.  Here's a Force-Related entry for you: Force willing I don't kill the little bugger for making me do this!  Bloody elder.  I respect him until he gets silly and does something like this.  What do I look like, a _journalist_?  Bugger the temple.  I'm starting to sound like my Master.

                Force, my master, I can't let him read any of this.  If he saw it, he might take away my lightsaber.  Hell.  I'm not 13 anymore.  I _Like_ my Lightsaber.  It's shiny and pretty and nice.  I built it myself!  

                Damn.  I'm actually writing in this thing.  Actually, it's sort of nice.  Nobody will take my lightsaber for writing rude things about the masters.  For example:

                Master Windu needs hair treatment.  Does he suffer from premature balding or something?  Hope it's not contagious.  Note to self: Don't aspire to be on the council.  All of them are bald, except the ladies, and I am not a lady.  I like my hair.  I may keep it cut short and spiky after I graduate as a Knight.  My hair makes the young ladies swoon.

                Too bad I can't take advantage of my sexy haircut.  Not until I'm knighted, at least.  I hope I don't get old and pruny before then.

                I've written long enough.  Maybe I can hide my journal and say I lost it.  Yeah.  Good plan.

SM 1/13/26 BBY 

                Blast.  Master found out about the journal.  He told me it was my responsibility as a Jedi to write in it.  Goody.  He said he won't read it, and that's a relief.  Master is an old fart!  He's always getting into trouble with people.  Blast him.  Makes me look bad, figuratively of course.  I'm sexy otherwise.  I caught master Luminra looking at my arse today in the council meeting room.  I don't know whether to feel flattered or creeped out.  My attention was soon diverted, however, by Yoda and Master Windex.  …If anyone finds this, I'm dead.  Anyway, it seems me and my Master are going on another mission, to a planet called Naboo.  Master advised me to write down the stats so I won't forget.  Bugger it.  I don't even need to know them.  Might as well write it down anyway, in case someone finds this.  With luck they'll see the boring planet stats and skim over my other entries.

_Planet Name: _Naboo

_System: _Naboo

_Size:_ Small

_Ecosystem: _Mixed forests, grasslands, and swamps

_Sentient Inhabitants: _Humans, Gungans

_Government System: _Democratic Monarchy

_Capital: _Theed

                What kind of stupid planet has a 'democratic monarchy'?  That's an oxymoron, like 'smart rhodian'.  I've heard of gungans, too: the perfect definition of 'pathetic life-form'.  Me and my Master have to break up some trade dispute or something.  I'm going along to save his arse with my lightsaber if we get into trouble.

                Force, I love my lightsaber.

**A/N: **Well?  Whacha think?  Ideas on dating the entries would be appreciated.  In fact, ideas on anything would be appreciated.  Look forward to the next entries in a few days!  …If I get enough reviews, that is.  Oh!  Yeah!  And check out my website, www.templeofkenobi.com  I'm collecting fanfictions for the archives.  SEND ME STUFF!!!


	2. Droidekas

**Notes:** I'm so dumb!  Obi-Wan is 57 in ANH, not 52!  *kicks self* Yes, I know, dearest Kenobi-Wan does look sort of like a vain arse, don't he?  But, this is humor… and to be funny, it must be OOC :D  Ok, maybe 'must' isn't the right word.  I figure he's gotta have a pretty strong attachment to his lightsaber, (the glowing one, folks, not the other kind) as all good Jedi do.  Anakin is a clumsy arse who constantly loses his.  Need I say more?

Oh, yeah, and before I continue, let me warn you… I despise Anakin the 18-year-old.  So there won't be any sort of Anakin diary forthcoming… but perhaps I'll do one for Qui-Gon and Mace Windu.

On with the… uh… fic?

SM 1/17/32 BBY 

            I hate transit barges.  Wait… this is a diplomatic shuttle.  I hate shuttles.  This one smells like Master's refresher unit at the Temple.  I once had to go in there to retrieve a bandage for my arm as I'd run out of my own.  Oafy-Wan indeed.  That was before I became such an amazing duelist.  Master's refresher unit smells unpleasantly of feet.  He claims mine smells worse, only I'm used to it, but I doubt it.  If anything, I smell great.  Young hot Jedi sweat _is_ sexy, especially if the young hot Jedi in question got that way through combat with his sexy lightsaber.  The ladies love a man who knows his weapons.  At least, I _think_ they do.  Damn Jedi rules.  I'm quite jealous of all my friends on the 'outside' who go clubbing night after night.  I want the ladies to hang off me for a change!

            Sorry, lost my composure for a moment.  I'm getting serious cabin fever here.  I despise flying, especially on slow-arse pink barges.  I sort of like the faster ships, though.  Master let me learn to pilot things, like the Jedi Starfighters.  Apparently I'll need the skill later in life.  I think he just can't fly himself and he's worried that we'll get stuck somewhere.  Hah!  I always have to save my master's arse.

            We're landing soon.  On, the joys of politics.  With any luck things will go painlessly and quickly.  I don't really want to get into a fight.  I'm not a coward, of course, but there's something… icky about killing.  Simulations are great, but when you spill real blood…

            One Jedi rule I do heartily agree with: unnecessary violence sucks.  Ok, so maybe I'm paraphrasing.  Someday I ought to write a novel titled: "The World According to Obi-Wan".  I bet it'd be a best-seller.

            Master wants me up front for the landing.  Says we need to make a good impression.  I think I'll take you along, just in case one of the pilots decides to poke through my stuff while we're away.

SM 1/19/32 BBY 

            What a day!  Talk about your aggressive negotiations! (By the way, for future reference, I coined the term.  Don't let any of the other bloody Padawans tell you differently.  They're always trying to steal my thunder.)  The Nemoidians (aka wingless mynochs) took a hostile stance to out presence.  Can you believe they tried to gas us?  Good thing me and my Master can hold our breath.  We kicked some major droid arse.  On, _I_ kicked some major droid arse.  It was like a simulator.  No bloodshed!  We were very nearly killed when we decided to hitch a ride on one of the transports flying down to Naboo.  The Trade Federation Federation is planning a large-scale invasion which, in my Master's words, is a bold move.  I wonder what made them do it, because it seems like a stupid move to me.  It can't possibly be legal.  Hah!  I actually might sit in on the senate hearing for this.  I'd like to see this Nute Gunray guy get torn apart by the Republic Senate.  What kind of parent names their kid 'Nute' anyway?

            So now I'm stowed away aboard a Trade Federation transport ship.  Well, at least it's not pink… but it does stink to high heaven in here.  It's like musty, oily robot parts.  I hope it doesn't sink into my robe.  I'm glad I brought you with me though (great, now I'm personifying you).  The ship we came on was destroyed – Force save the souls of the two pilots.  Besides, this gives me something to do.  I ought to be paying attention to what's going on… but nobody's going to find me, anyway.  This ship is full of deactivated druids that will only become active if someone attacks them.  Well… that cuts out the prospect of me destroying them all before we land…

            Maybe those planetary stats will come in handy after all.  It looks like we're going to be down there a while.  I hope I manage to locate my Master.  We hid aboard separate ships.  He's such a scatterbrain sometimes.  But I have to give him credit… his methods usually work.  He was almost through a pair of blast doors before the Nemoidians called out their Destroyer Droids.  I despise fighting druids, but destroyers are the worst sort.  They have their own bloody shields!  You can't get close enough to cut through them because the things fire high-powered laser bolts from their arms at very high speeds.   Bastards!  Next time I see one I think I'll chuck a thermal detonator at it.

            Why do I get the feeling machines are going to be the death of me?

            I think this death-trap is landing.  I'd better cut a rout out the bottom.  It'd be hard to try and leave through the front door.


	3. Gungans

**Notes: **Buahaha!  Chapter 3!  And they said I was crazy!  Buahaha!  Buahaha!  …O.o;

SM 1/20/32 BBY

                Remind me never to visit Naboo again.

Furthermore, remind me never to let my Master near the natives.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  As if this mission couldn't get worse!  At least the barge I'm currently on doesn't stink.  Actually, it's unfair to call her a barge.  She's a Naboo Royal Transport, a Nubian specifically.  The Naboo people certainly have an artistic sense of shipbuilding.  Their fighters (N-1's) are wonderful-looking ships.

                I suppose I ought to tell you about my day.  We landed in one of Naboo's rainforests, much to the displeasure of the native creatures there.  The Federation transports could wake the dead (or Master Windu from a dead sleep).  I cut my way out through the bottom of the ship and planned to leap down gracefully, but only succeeded in falling flat on my arse.  Luckily, there were no ladies around to laugh.  I ran off into the forest, chased by a load of druids, but I easily outpaced them.  It was like death hide-and-seek.

                Eventually I met up with my Master.  Somehow he'd managed to save a local's life, and the brain-dead thing was following him around like a leech.  The thing (named Jar-Jar Binks) speaks in a most annoying fashion.  I should have just pounded him to keep him from following us, but Master said he could help us.  So I played along in getting him to take us to his city.  The stupid thing nearly brained me with his great clumsy ear.

                So we traipsed through the woods some more, knee-deep in much and ferns.  The annoying Gungan never shut up.  It was always "Thisaway!" or "Come on boyos!"  I swear, much longer of this and I'll go crazy and disobey council doctrine by murdering both my Master and the Gungan.  My Master's gone too far in his bizarre penchant for pathetic lifeforms.  I could deal with Ssi Trimba and ll those other nutty creatures, but this Gungan is too much.  He's in the back now, talking to himself.  I had to lock my door and claim fatigue to keep him from harassing me.

                He took us to his city, Oto Gunga.  Apparently he was banished a while ago because of clumsiness.  I would have banished him for sheer annoyance myself.  Then again, his boss wasn't much better.  Boss Nass really needs to go to Weight Watchers or something.  He looks like a Hutt!  I let my Master do the talking.  That sneaky git mind-tricked the boss into giving us a Bongo – underwater craft – to get to Theed.  I guess the Gungans and the Naboo really don't get along, because the boss really wasn't too keen on helping us save them.  So we got the Bongo and were leaving when Master went and shot off his big mouth, rescuing Jar-Jar.  Why me?  I had to drive the Bongo with that great lug up front with me, squealing like a stepped-on hawkbat whenever we faced a minor obstacle.  The creature has no faith at all.  He complained ceaselessly while I fixed the Bongo (guys who can fix things are apparently very sexy to the ladies).  Even when we saved his arse, he still complained.

                We managed to get to Theed all right after many illustrations of my Master's favorite quote, "There's always a bigger fish".  Sometimes I have to wonder what, exactly, that means.  Isn't there eventually going to be a bigger fish?  And sometimes smaller fish are even meaner (take the piranha for example.  A shoal of piranha can skelatenize a tauntaun in five minutes).  Why is Master so fixated on fish?  Does it have anything to do with the fact that his lover, Aquel Faemir, is a Naboo native (which might also explain our wacky mission here)?  Furthermore, if Master has a lover, why the hell can't I?

                Pardon the digression.  It's been a long week.  So, we got into Theed and fought through the droids to the palace.  Well, close to it anyway.  After a very cool ambush from a bridge we rescued the Queen of Naboo (more on her later) and her troupe of handmaidens.  We also managed to sneak them all into a ship hanger, where I dashingly freed the imprisoned pilots.  We escaped on a sleek Nubian, and at the moment we're on our way to Tatooine.  Here come the bloody stats again…

Name: Tatooine

Size: Large

Ecosystem: Desert

Sentient Inhabitants: Mixed

 Government: Criminal

Capital: None

                Tatooine must be one of the worst vacation spots in the galaxy.  It's hot, dusty, ugly, and ruled by Hutt crimelords.  Through I must say if you wanted to hide, this is a good place to do it.  You could find an out-of-the-way moisture farm to seek sanctuary, but even in the Spaceports it's hard to find anything.  I'd say the Trade Federation has its hands full trying to find us here.  But personally I'd rather face risk of death than spend any time here.

                Why are we hiding on Tatooine?  While charging through the Federation blockade we blew out hyperdrive.  Of course, I'm the only one who can fix it, but it was too far gone to salvage.  I really hope someone on Tatooine has a Nubian hyperdrive core, or we're screwed.

                Speaking of, I think one of the Queen's handmaidens was putting the moves on me.  Apparently she doesn't know the code.  Either that or she was completely overwhelmed by my looks and charm.  However, I resisted her advances and the talk turned to more normal subjects.  Her name was Sabé, and she was the eldest of the handmaidens.  She served the former Queen, and when the reigns were passed to this new one, she switched her loyalties.  The Queen needed at least one experienced handmaiden, especially at only 14 years old.

                The queen herself really isn't too spectacular, to tell the truth.  She seems very stiff and formal, always garbed in ridiculous headgear.  I wonder how many birds died to grace her head?  She must have the strongest neck muscles in history.  I think even I would collapse and die under that lot.  And everyone colling her 'your highness' and 'm'lady', it's getting so formal in here that I feel like I'm at a Council inquisition or a knighting ceremony.  I'd always heard that Queen Amidala was a fiery spirit, but to me she seems rather dull.  Maybe it's just stress or something.

                The handmaidens all seem just as dull, except for one.  Her name is Padmé, and she looks eerily like the Queen.  She seems very mature for her age and has quite a bit of political knowledge and know-how.  I bet the Queen relies on Padmé for a lot of decisions.  Of course, I'm politically challenges, so I don't know how all this works.  I could probably get Padmé to teach me – she's taken to me quite strongly.  I think she trusts me.  She doesn't seem to like Master as much, but then again he's been a bit snappish with the Queen.  She doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.  Then again, neither does Padmé.  She was complaining about Master to me, and we had a bit of a rant session.

                I think I've made a friend in Padmé.  We sort of understand each other, which is odd since we only just met.  I have an odd feeling about her… and I think I may be especially enamored with her personality.  She seems so much older than 14 to me…


	4. Madness

**Notes: **Sorry for the long wait for this to be updated!  Every time I get on the computer, I can't help leaping to oekakicentral.com to draw.  I've got itchy fingers (the drawing kind, not the thieving kind).  Incidentally, look me up!  I'm Blade Malfoy there too!  So… it's taken me a while to get my lazy butt in gear to write this.  I think the preview for Down with Love might have something to do with my typing this next chapter XD  Enjoy!

SM 1/21/32 BBY 

            Someone remind me never to visit this hellhole again.  Tatooine has got to be the most god-awful planet in the galaxy.  It's far worse than anything I'd ever imagined.  We're on the outskirts of a little spaceport called Mos Espa, and I don't think there's a more wretched hive of scum and villainy anywhere… though I could be wrong.  Maybe it was beyond propriety to warn master to be cautious, but I couldn't help it.  I have a bad feeling about all of this.  Oh well, at least Jar-Jar is gone.  He left with Master to look for parts in town.  Sadly, Padme went with them.  Captain Panaka (the really bland captain of the Naboo royal guard) said something about the Queen wanting Padme to experience the city.  I have a sneaking suspicion that she sent her to keep Master from doing anything stupid.

            I'm stuck on the ship to keep everyone from making calls home.  If we send a transmission they can track us,l and if they find us they'll kidnap the queen and kill everyone else.  I'm a good fighter and all, but I can't possibly fend off hundreds of battle droids, not even with my Master's help.  And without a hyperdrive core, we'd be dead in the water up there in open space.  So for now we're sitting tight, biding out time, and ignoring the supplicating transmissions from Naboo.  They're contrived, I know it.  It's hard to be around the Queen when she sees them, though.  Her sorrow is overpowering, even when I have my mind shields up.  It's really putting everyone in a foul mood.  Lucky Padme, to be off this craft.

            I wonder if Master knows about the sandstorm brewing?  I hope they find shelter.  It'll get nasty out here before very long.

            Did I mention I have a bad feeling about this?

_SM 1/21/32 BBY, 21:00 Tatooine Standard Time_

            I need a cookie.

            No, really.  I need a cookie.  Or a hug.  Is it normal for a Jedi to go around requesting hugs from strangers?  My life was shattered today.  It all started with a boy, a slave who belongs to the junk-dealer we're getting the parts from.  He offered Master shelter from the sandstorm, as well as a place for the night.

            And the boy is a Force-sensitive.

            He has a midi-chlorian count of over twenty-thousand, higher than even Master Yoda.  I didn't know it was possible to have a midi-chlorian count that high.  Where did they all come from?  I remember Master's last experiment with extremely talented pupils, and Xanatos failed in a big way.  Granted, it wasn't entirely Master's fault, but the risk is there. 

            And what about me?  I know already that no other sane master will take a 9-year-old boy as their padawan, so Master will have to step in.  But he can't take more than one student.  He'll have to cut me loose.  

            But we've been through so much!  And I may seem confidant on the outside, but inside I honestly don't know if I'm ready to face the trials.  What if I fail?

            This boy has brought more implications of evil down on us than I've seen in a long while.

            I think the storm is coming.

_SM 2/1/32 BBY_

            My Master is clinically insane.  He's actually putting all of his faith in this little boy and threatening our mission in the process.  Apparently this boy can pod race, which is downright weird because most humans lack the mental capability to race.  My Master's gambling this ship in return for the hyperdrive components and – get this – the boy's freedom.  What does this have to do with the kid?  My Master's betting he can win the race.  Against the most formidable racers in the galaxy, including the notorious Dug Sebulba.  I'm an optimistic man, but even I know this is ludicrous.

            So what am I doing about it?  I can't do anything at the moment.  We got another transmission today.  The Queen wanted to respond… but I firmly said no.  I heard the handmaidens whisper something about 'Jedi PMS'.  I hate this mission.  I know hate is bad for a Jedi, but I can't help it.  This is the worst situation I've ever been in.  If I ever take on a Padawan, I'll not put them through any of this.  I refuse to be a nutball like my Master.

            Padme shares my sentiments.  I spoke with her briefly on Master's comlink because she wanted to know first-hand how the Queen was.  I told her almost everything, but left out the fact that the transmission said that the Naboo people were dying.  Padme doesn't need the added stress.  At the moment she's enraged over my Master's actions, and I can't say I blame her.  It's totally irrational.  How can he trust this strange little boy?  It's madness.

            Looks like we're going to be here for a while.


	5. And Everything Goes YouKnowWhere

****

Notes: Phew, I'm gonna have to watch Eppy I again for the next chapter… my memory is somewhat rusty O.o Ok, hope you all enjoy this one! Can you find all the connections to the Old Trilogy? :-p Man… Luke whacking his head on the roof is great…

SM 2/2/22 BBY

Well, chalk another one up to inexperience, I suppose. I was wrong about the boy. He ended up winning the Podrace, and as I write we're on our way to Coruscant where I might be able to get a decent night's sleep. Unless Master keeps us up all night with Council meetings. Damn. Master rescued Anakin and freed him (but not his mother) so I'll probably have to act the babysitter as well. This means no clubbing, no bars, and not even a nice, peaceful dinner with my friends. I wonder if I've got enough money stored up to send the kid to a boarding school on some remote planet like Kessel… spice mining would be good for him…

All right, maybe that's a bit harsh.

I still have a very bad feeling about that boy, though. He seems innocent enough, but lurking under that cute little façade is a monster. I know it! All right, maybe I'm just a little bit disgruntled with him. He's mooning over Padme, which is disconcerting at the least. He's nine, for Force's sake! And Qui-Gon won't stop talking about him. He makes him out to be some bloody prodigy. Screw balance of the Force! How about 'pay attention to the Padawan you're currently training'? The little fuzzball offered to fix the hyperdrive core. I told him to bugger off. Besides, no ten-year-old should be taking his shirt off in front of the ladies. Because that's what hyperdrive repairs involve, you know. Don't give me that skeptical look!

Another funny thing happened today. My Master met up with a lightsaber-wielding Zabrak and was very nearly killed. I assume from the black robes and blood-red saber that he was a Sith, and if I'm right (you know I am), we're all in a lot of trouble. The Council thought the Sith were extinct, and if the _council_ was wrong about it, what else might be afoot? Granted, he was only one creature, but you know the saying. There are always two: a Master and an Apprentice. And unless that Zabrak is some sort of genius who became a Master of the Dark Side in a very short time, there's an even stronger adversary lurking out there somewhere. 

The Sith is quite a point of (morbid) interest all by himself, though. He was using a double-bladed Sith training saber, and I don't think he was doing it for practice. Very few – Jedi or Sith – have ever mastered the double-bladed Saber. It's a difficult and dangerous weapon, but when used properly, can double the user's attack strength. Basically, that Zabrak can fight like two. If we hadn't rescued Master when we did…

But I don't want to think about that.

The fuzzball aproacheth. I'll write back later.

__

SM 2/3/22

I think today was the worst day of my life. I feel so ousted… I mean, what call does he have to favor that little kid? _I'm_ the Padawan! _I'm_ the one he's supposed to be training! Besides which, I'm getting very annoyed at his defying the council like he does. I need to be on their good side, and how will it look to be trained by the man who nearly got himself booted out of the Order? It's not that I'm conceited, but it's really a problem… 

Not to mention the results of the Republic Senate election today. They voted no confidence on Vallorum, and put Palpatine on the seat. I don't know why, but I have a very bad feeling about that man… I know politicians are just slimy in general, but he's especially so. Power-hungry old git. 

We've got another meeting with the Council later today. Anakin's getting tested now. I have no doubts he'll pass, but… I hope they refuse him admission. He's too old, after all. 

__

SM 2/3/22

I can't believe what a mess this evening was. We met with the Council again after they recognized Anakin's potential (bloody hell), but they refused to accept him into the student training. He's too old. I told you I was right! But did that matter to Master? No-o-o, of course not. Do you know what he said?

"I'll train the boy."

_He'll_ train the boy. I wanted to wave my arms and say "Hello? Padawan over here! Not Knight yet! Need training!" And when Yoda pointed this little fact out to me, Qui-Gon said he was finished teaching me. Sure, it was slightly flattering to hear him say I was ready, but… it makes me feel utterly abandoned. Like this boy is Master's shiny new toy, so he's throwing me to the Rancors. And when I went to support him (fighting back curses in several languages, I assure you), Master Yoda totally shot me down. "Tell you we will, when you are ready." Hah.

So Master and I had a bit of a fall-out after that. He sent Anakin off to bed, and once the fuzzball was out of earshot, I went off on Master. I mean, he doesn't realize the ramifications of his actions. He's always on my case about the here-and-now, but what good is that if you can't see the consequence of your actions further along the line? The here-and-now is great for fighting. But the future matters quite a lot, as well. Let's gloss over the fact that I've been lectured for looking ahead too much by Master Yoda for the moment. I feel bad enough already.

So it looks like life is going to bloody hell for a while. I'm positive I haven't seen the last of Naboo and Gunray. In fact, I'm fairly sure I haven't seen the last of that Zabrak either.

All right, enough self-destructive angry thoughts… I ought to go meditate and cool my heels… but it is better to get out aggressions in a diary rather than in actions, isn't it?


End file.
